The Extremes

Assalamualaikum and peace yalls.

According to Mathematics, well Linear Programming to be exact, said that a problem will have its extreme point when the points are on the edge of a feasible solution. Meaning that the extremes are well exposed to danger of being infeasible when another constraint come and top it off. But the extreme point must go through a series of branching and bounding (modification) to finally be the optimal solution to the problem.

We are the extreme when it comes to our needs and our disliking. We want what we want and willing to do anything for it and somehow we don't want what we don't want and avoid anything that will lead us to it. Humans. But awesomeness are not anywhere near your comfort zones. You just gotta be the extreme point and ultimately after few tries, the optimal solution. You may fall short but hey we can always try. And how may we try when we don't even want to challenge ourself.

And making life decisions show that we are strong enough to face our fear of losing something old and gaining something new. That is just the basic equation of life where everything has its own phase and moreover nothing really last in your life. So, get ready to lose some and win some. Our life need to grow. We can't let life live in stagnation just because we are not ready yet. Readiness is so subjective that when you force it, you will ultimately can be ready. If you don't push yourself then you will never know what you are capable of. Allah make you choose for a reason, for you to grow and for your life to grow.

I had been assigned to do something that I am nowhere near ready and I do keep whining about it every single day but that lesson throughout my not ready to ready phase is beyond magical. Am I not ready or am I lack of preparation? That is one question worth asking for. Let put it this way, you know exams are coming and you just can't say you are not ready, you are just unprepared. And preparing is only 30% of getting the job done, the job is done when you actually do the job. Practicality is the key here, people. Being practical and start doing. People's experience can be our guidelines but not the emotional touch to it. You just gotta do it and let your emotions kick in. When I was 15, people tell me that Add Math is so difficult that no one gonna even afford an A in that subject and I studied Add Maths for two years thinking that it was so hard and I couldn't understand it and decided to not concentrate anymore. That costed me big time people. 

So now I am doing my degree in Mathematics and I am enjoying my course so much that I am so close to graduation inshaAllah. Not everything is easy but alhamdulillah everything is bearable. Our capacities are not the same and to discover more of your capacity, yes you got it right, challenge yourself. Nothing will be thrown at you where you couldn't even lift it. 

La yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha, remember?

"Allah will not burden a soul beyond its capacity...." [2:286]

Unconditional Love

Assalamualaikum and peace yalls!

"To give and not expect return, that is what lies at heart of love." - Oscar Wilde

It was Mother's Day yesterday and despite all the things brought to discussions, "On this day we celebrate you but everyday we honour you. The rock of the nation and the makers of men. 
Happy Mother's Day, Momma." (That was taken from Trevor Noah's Facebook page)

So, my housemate and I will typically have a brunch break conversation discussing the global trend, and what's what. Yesterday's topic was *drumroll* about mothers. She said that her mom will always fulfilled her wishes even when she figuratively asked for it and guess what all moms are. They can't stand looking at their child wanting to especially eat something and she will make it right on the spot. I remembered my birthday feast was all about nasi kerabu, solok lada and laksa - my favourite and it ain't easy kiddos. I had made nasi kerabu thrice in three years, yeah gonna break it down to once a year but that just showed how difficult it is. There are too many elements and I just couldn't toss any elements away because that was how my mom would make it. And solok lada, I couldn't even tell how misery I felt and I am such a failure. I failed to nail it hence to not making it anymore. I am so depressed just by telling you this. 

That was just a really simple example that don't even include my mom carried a 50kg me into the car (dad at work) when I was sick and needed to go to the hospital. To top it off, she was also 50kgs at that time. I was a heavy kid growing up. She did not take even a minute to think and people around her was like, "seriously you gonna do this you gonna break yourself." but na-ah my mom is a supermom (ironmom - she really does all the ironing in the house till I was 15). I get sick a lot, like a lot and she is never tired to accompany me to the hospital and tell the doc what was wrong with me. It was more to a "she knows me better than I know myself". 

I don't know what made her so strong and I assumed it is love and she had a forelsket. I just can't help it, why are you loving me so much when I am such a trouble. I had been a troublemaker 9 months before you had really seen me. That is more than my age at any stage. You don't owe me anything, in fact I owe you everything. There goes this one saying, "Your parents made duas to have you while you don't." It showed so much love. Looking back to my 22 years of serving her, wait a minute was it she serving me every time? I don't know but I would always wanted to make her happy, all the time. Seeing her smile is the greatest feeling ever and I will never wanted to be mad at me. I mean it is so hard to not make her go gorilla because we kids are rebellious. So I made her this poem and shout out to all the moms in the world, you guys are awesome. Can't wait to join the club!

I felt misplaced, 
why am I in this dark place,
I can't see no face,
No there is not even room or space,
I play with myself everyday in every way,
In my own pace.

Days past by
You would swallowed one whole pie,
You know I am not going that far to try,
You just have to wish the pie goodbye,
You can't eat what you usually eat and cry,
Because I just don't bother to understand why.

I has been months since I am in here,
I can now hear you clear,
I am now do not fear,
I would stay for another year,
This place is so dear,
Because I have you to steer.

It has finally came,
The time of your pain,
And I will be getting a name,
You now have the right to claim,
That you are one of the fame.

And one more thing, our conversation (my housemate and I) went a little to deep. I think this love showered to us is of course by the mercy of Allah. In fact Allah loves us, more. When we fell our parents' love are the ultimate but remember the love of Allah is far greater. We have always been a trouble and a sinner to Allah but Allah keeps forgiving us.

"When Allah created mankind, He also decreed, "My mercy will overcome My anger."" - Al-Bukhari and Muslim.

This post has been a one sided love story, don't you think? We can sacrifice. To show that we love them as well and we love Allah too. Actions do speak louder than words. That's why to attain mardhatillah is by doing things that Allah loves and doing something for someone will only work when we love them. It will be a tough job to sacrifice when you do not love someone but our hearts do change, right? We can love someone we hate before and vice versa so that's how it goes for this one. Force your heart to love, sincerity will come later inshaAllah. And of course make a lot of duas may the mercy of Allah remain in this world and in the Hereafter.

May Allah bless you :)

English speaker

Assalamualaikum and peace yalls.

*Now I have a room to breathe in and out like a normal human being again*

So, there has been some sort of delayed in Studying in Birmingham (clicke for more series) series which has now reached its fourth series. Sooo, *checked previous posts* we have talked about the call, that heart pounding call and of course I had been accepted to University of Birmingham alhamdulillah.

The news spread all over town, the perks of living in a small village yalls and we kinda know each other but the thing is my parents know their co-leagues in parenthood so well that they were so willingly to tell anyone who asked. My dad, being the masjid committee and of course he was like why-not-spread-the-good-news-we-are-having-solat-hajat-in-my-house. So masjid, as all of us know is the capital of any civilisation hence the news spread like fire and no fireman can put this fire out. My dad is so YB-ish that he designed our current house to be people friendly and safe enough to accommodate the whole villagers.

Then, it went a little bit more official as the offer letter was sent out to me. I just had to take a picture of it and of course instagram-ed it. And it was me spreading the good news to the world. People had been preparing for uni for almost a month now and I had just gotten the offer letter #sofiveminutesago. But big girl gotta do what big girl gotta do and that was to go to KL to attend pre-departure and Kem Biro Tatanegara (every sponsored student need to attend this). I went to KL with my grandma who happened to babysit my cousin in Kajang.

My uncle picked us up from the bus station to his home in Kajang and the pre-departure was in Serdang and it was like a stone throw away from Kajang. Before our pre-dep, my housemate (soon-to-be at that time) texted me and I was so delighted that yay finally I am going to have a friend. She said that she is the youngest and needed the protection from the eldest (me). I was like yeah yeah don't worry kid, me gotcha. I stalked her Facebook and saw one picture of her which I doubt it's her for easier recognition at the pre-dep.

The next day came and I was literally like a cow in a desert. I did not feel belong and I just wanna go home and cry to my momma. The lady who was supposed to hand me in the room keys asked me if I want to be in the same room as my friend and I said no that's fine me got no friend. There I went my allocated room and hoping for a fun yet interactive roommates. And yay I got myself two younger-than-me roommates. We were supposed to go to the hall for further information and on my way, I saw someone pretty familiar. So I decided to text the actual person and it was actually her. Gahhh she was in the room next to mine with two other Brummies, me so sad but never mind I am going to be with her all day all the time and that was what I really did.

We were together all the way to BTN and fuhh she is one awesome lady. We signed up as roommates at BTN and remember an interactive roommate I prayed for, it was her. She talked a lot and I was always on the listening side. Well, I need a talkative husband errrkk okay get back on track get back on track, may day may day. There was something really funny happened and my friends still joke about that. I was an MC for one session and boy did I tell ya how out of place I was. Not going to go into too much details but whoever knows, knows. And so there was it, BTN equals to a lot of love to the homeland. We headed back home with our BTN's certificate and with pocket money from our sponsor to buy sweater and stuffs.

I was in KL for quite sometime and I did a little bit of shopping as well. I shop for my humongous luggage and my-grandma-pick-it-up-for-me sweater (I had only worn it once), as well as the unnecessary thermal wear which apparently costed me almost RM1000 for everything. RM1000 on a single receipt, maannn that was a lot. So, please please seek out for What-To-Bring-List from your seniors. I kinda made my own decision and that was why everything was regrettable. I also needed to have a tuberculosis (TB) tests for visa application. Maynn, there were only 3 hospitals in Malaysia that are valid for visa application.

I went to the Gleneagles Hospital in Ampang and booked my visa appointment considering that the result can be obtained within a day. It was my first time there and once again guys, a cow in a desert with my grandma and English speaking Benggali, it went wrong, everything went wrong. I asked the receptionist where can I get my TB tests and they said it was on second(?) floor and okay we took the elevator to the second floor. It was so scary over there and was it funeral parlour, I could not think straight at the moment. Was it a hidden camera? Maybe I should get casted for horror movies, well people say I look like Izara Aishah. Gahhh gotta hold my horses there. Where was I again, yeah the scary second floor and as always there will be at least one English speaking Benggali over there. I asked him whether I should do my TB tests here and guess what guys, he did not understand me. Maybe I should learn Benggali before coming to KL. So, I decided to return to the receptionist one more time and really look him in the eyes and asked the question that I had already asked 5 people already. And it is on the other floor and alhamdulillah finally I was there filling my form and getting x-rayed yay fun stuff. The doctor told me that the result should be ready by the day after and I was so relieved because my visa appointment was later than the TB test result.

But nooooo, I can't imagine this happening to me.....


Assalamualaikum and peace yalls.

Ever heard of "gas nadir(inert gases)"? As what your chemistry teacher might tell you, inert gases does not go through chemical combination as they are very stable and it is not possible from them to donate or receive any more ions. They have relatively low melting and boiling point and the not so good thing in between. I hated inert gases when I studied chemistry 5 years ago. What are their purposes? To make me memorise somemore? My capacity was to only memorise Sejarah(History) back then and lil bit of my friend's birthdays.

Well I always random check the dictionary for a new word and I had found nadir. Well it not as similar as the inert gases but it is defined to be "the lowest point; point of greatest adversity or despair." I somewhat feel like I am in this state right now but don't get me wrong, I am so happy with my life. It is just I eat less and sit more, I don't sleep people I just don't. Naaah kidding, I do sleep a lot as well. Well I do not realised how nadiral my life was until I lose weight like a lot in a week. You just don't simply lose 3kg in 5days. My body refuse to go through any chemical reaction with the food hence bye bye energy. My energy low is really low that I need a lot of sleep. I can sleep up to 10 hours. With that being said, I am still happy with my life. I laugh a lot and alhamdulillah I am as stable as the inert gases. Well, maybe that is somewhat a sign that I am slowly turning to inert gases?

"Exalted is He who took His servant by night from Masjidil Haram to Masjidil Aqsa, whose surroundings We have blessed, to show him of Our signs. Indeed He is all Hearing, all Seeing." [17:1]

I think I had recited this verse like in the nick of time every single year. I remembered my first year reciting this verse, it was after my first paper for my first year. I went clueless after I sat for the exam. I felt miserable and I don't know what to do but I still need to sit for 3/4 more papers (I can't remember) but the sad me decided to take part and came out with this;

I wish for an effulgence instead, 
But in this misery, 
I hope I forgot,
How to emote,
And how to crumble into pieces,
A day of sorrow,
Is a year of greatness,
Allah is preparing me for the massive,
Glory to you O Allah,
Who had ascended Muhammad,
to the Heaven,
Give me strength ,
For I am weak,
Without You.

Looking back, it is surely a healer right there. Allah is preparing me for the massive. For something that I might could not handle yesterday, or today.

Just look at the sirah of Muhammad s.a.w before he was ascended to the Heaven, before the Isra'(night journey from Mekah to Masjidil Aqsa) wal Mikraj (journey from Masjidil Aqsa to Sidaratul Muntaha). Allah had not tested Muhammad and his ummah for nothing but to prepare them for the ultimate gift, the prayers which were cut down from 50 to 5 times. Allah tested them to strengthen their faith so that the prayer which is the pillar of Islam can be done under any circumstances. Say, during war or expeditions.

Have we ever view solah as a gift? Yeah, the typical we couldn't do it if it was 50 times thanks to Musa but it is more than that. Have we ever felt more connected to Allah than in our solah? Well, the Safiey Ilias story went viral these couple of weeks, you can google it and he said the reason for his-turning-back-to-the-fitrah is because of his solah. It might sound a bit cliche but that is the truth. To be connected to Allah is way beyond any gifts this world could offer. You will find tranquility and happiness. So, don't worry your weakness never surpass the power of your Lord the All Mighty.

"Those who have believed and whose hearts are at peace by the remembrance of Allah. Indeed, with the remembrance of Allah do heart find peace." [13:28]

What's meant to be will always find its way

What's meant to be,
Will always find its way,
I ought to agree,
Hearing you say.

Will the road taken,
Be long enough,
That something be left forsaken,
Maybe we are off the cuff.

Should you hear me say,
No matter where the road takes me,
I am going to love you all the way,
To the depth of Pacific sea.

We should not pause,
Memory does not capture silence,
The life still deserve an applause,
But I hope we have found our asylum.

Take me to Everest,
I promise,
To not rest,
Even I am still a novice.

It will go away

Assalamualaikum and peace yalls!

"Whatever you have will end, but what Allah has is lasting. And We will surely give those who were patient their reward according to the best of what they used to do. Whoever does righteousness, whether male or female, while he is a believer - We will surely cause him to live a good life, and We will surely give them their reward [in the Hereafter] according to the best of what they used to do." [16:96-97]

I went through Surah an-Nahl today and found these verses that I can't help but stick a sticky flag to it and of course ponder upon. I don't know why but I think these verses answer my concerns and problems I may say. I was left speechless because of how Allah manages my affairs. He just did it in the best possible way.

Have you ever loved something/someone that you want to hold so tight and never wanting for them to go? Have you? Well, I had. I have an attachment problem that it is so hard for me to let go of something. I still keep my Primark paper bags if that is not attachment problem to you lol. One more thing about me is I really hate rejections. I hate turn downs. If I offered you food, just take it or I will be so anxious about myself thinking my food is not tasty enough. Yes, I have those problems. Stepping out of my comfort zone which is so narrow is really hard. And finding another comfort zone is no soft money, which costs me tears and not wanting to get out of the house. But, in order for me to grow, I kinda had to. I had to step out of my old shoes and wear a new one that will pretty much cause my feet to blister and all but I need to have faith that at the end of the day, that brand new shoes will be as comfortable as my old ones once I get used to it.

I think that is what Allah has been wanting to tell me and finally I get His message. That needs a lot of trying in new shoes, phewhh~ Everything, everything that I own will vanish. In fact, I do not own anything, not even myself. Everything that is with me today will constantly go away and will be replaced with something new and hopefully better. And to have something taken away from you is not as easy as ABC, let alone to accept new things. But if you have patience and always motivate yourself that nothing is yours, then you know the consequence already not gonna tell ya.

The story of Umm Suleym suddenly popped in my head. Do you know her?
Rumaisa'? Does that ring any bell? Anyhow, she was one of the greatest sahabiah and was married to Abu Talha (one of the greatest marriage story) and had a son named Abu Umair. Abu Talha was constantly out of the town for expeditions and stuff. So, their son was constantly ill as well. And came one day, their son was dead and Rumaisa' told her family not to tell her husband about their son's death. When Abu Talha returned home, he noticed that their son was really quiet but Rumaisa' did not tell him anything and brought him dinner instead. Rumaisa' put on her best garment that night and asked Abu Talha, "What if someone lends another person something? Could he refrain from paying it?" Abu Talha quickly answered no. Rumaisa' continued, "And Allah had lend us our son and He had taken him back." Abu Talha was mad that Rumaisa' had not told him earlier but Rumaisa' calmly replied with innalillahi wa inna ilayhi rojiun (From Allah we come to Allah we belong). Abu Talha went to meet Rasulullah and complained to Rasullullah on how devastated he felt. Rasulullah made a dua that may Allah bless their night. And with the will of Allah, Rumaisa got pregnant. When she gave birth, she sent her child to Rasulullah and he chewed a date and rubbed the child's mouth. This was where the tahnik came from. Rasulullah named the child "Abdullah." Rumaisa' was blessed with another 10 boys and all of them are hafidz (memorize the Quran).

Just look at how patient Rumaisa' was? And her patience were paid off a lot better. Allah is always firm with His promises, don't He? In the next verse, Allah kinda want us to not worry and just do what we are supposed to do which are to do righteousness while being believers. This is surely a hard thing to do because we still need to be grateful and be patient even if we are facing trials. Allah will never stop testing you at your weakest link because He wants you to be a stronger muslim each and everyday. So, let us think positive about everything befalling us. Doesn't that mean He loves us? And that is what important.

Have faith, beautiful souls. You have Allah and Allah loves you. So, don't despair, He will provide you good life, it is just the matter of time. May Allah bless you :)


The pain is somewhat familiar,
Deep inside I hope that ain't a killer,
Even so my last name is warrior,
And He is always my healer.

Raindrops on my window,
Teardrops on my pillow,
My scream crescendoes,
But He is always my hero.

I am so tired,
I muttered,
My heart on fire,
Is it fair?
Oh Lord I desire,
For You to hear.