A listener


Gratitude log day 12 and 13.

Generally speaking, I am a listener by nature. Well, I wouldn't call myself a great listener but I always prefer to listen rather than speaking. It is always a burden for me when people started to ask for my opinion. Sometimes it is because I can't express myself so well when I talk. People usually don't understand me or stop listening half way. That upsets me before but not anymore because I know it's me to blame for not being able to express myself. Sometimes I think people don't understand me well enough for me to start talking. Ironically, I have to start talking about myself for people to know me. Sometimes, I think my opinion is worthless and I am afraid to say hurtful things.

Anyway, coming to the UK changed me a lot. I started to be more vocal and sometimes I thought that I know everything. Well, this is when things become so interesting, I started to lose myself. I realised that one of my best friends stopped sharing stories and everything because of that. I know the reason why, it is because I seem to know everything and lecture her instead of listening and being compassionate. It took a great toll on me just because I refuse to listen. Sometimes I listen only to reply or argue, not to understand. That was my biggest mistake. Speaking gives me a lot of power, to be honest, I mean the more words I spoke, the more authorised I was.

But coming onto 3rd year in the UK, I started to realise that I need to give myself a break and choose to listen. I need to become myself, but a better version of it. Believe me or not, it gives me more serenity than before. I don't need to reply when I don't know how, I just need to keep asking all the open-ended questions and the stories will get better rather than just a simple conversation. I tried to not pontificate all the times, even if it is so hard for me. I would always tell myself secretly that I need to learn something outta this conversation. So, that is when I listen attentively. But I am not gonna lie that I am sometimes a goldfish but yeah I know listening is where I am learning the most.

But then, this year I aim for a balanced speak-listen ratio, well lemme tell you IT IS SO FREAKING HARD. But good thing is, I only speak a lot to the people I most comfortable with. I choose to listen to people that I don't know to know them better. As uninteresting as it sounds, I do learn a lot. And I always train myself to ask lotsa questions, even the most pointless one, sometimes even if I already know the answer.

So I am actually so grateful that I am able to get my friends to open up to me again and I get to know people so much. Anyway, this is now the end of February, 3+ more months to go before I am back for good. May Allah ease and strengthen everybody!

x-1, checked!


It has been a while, innit? But fret not (dear self), I am still cruising through the gratitude challenge and not looking forward to giving up. Anyway, I think I have been skipping day 8, 9, 10 and 11 and rather than just enumerating the things I am grateful for, I think it is better for me to narrate what has been happening to me so far (after day 1 of placement). Well, actually I have been listing my gratitude every day but then I think it is more fun to narrate things down.

But before I jump right in, I think I have the right to declare "week x-1 done!" #mathematician

Generally speaking, even I've said it countless times I still have everything to complain and my day would be so much better had I not complain. I kept on saying that chant every single morning when I woke up and I have the utmost faith that Allah will always change my state when I am willing to take action on changing my state. I reckon that being a huckleberry above a persimmon is the only way of surviving not only the things you hate but also the things you like. As for me, I had always wanted to be a teacher my whole life, even though I had previously wanted to pursue something else, the thought of being a teacher is always soothing. The thing is, I am always afraid to leave my comfort zone. Realising that my comfort zone is so small, I have to step out from it one way or another so that I can conquer another zone to call it comfortable. Well, that's how life is --  you have to keep moving until your struggles become your comfort zones. I hate to break the sad news but it is not gonna end until the day you die.

Well, enough ranting! All in all, I am not afraid to say that my first week was so exciting and life changing. I don't know I am already liking the school (on my way to loving it) and so grateful that I have been granted a chance of a lifetime to deal with people I frightened the most -- students. One of my colleague from my previous placement actually found out where I am now in, and she said: "Well, it must be tough for Belle." I guess a tough place is only befitting for a tough girl teehee. Well, I thought of it as a blessing in disguise and also a test to move me forward. Other people have it tougher than me, so alhamdulillah. It is not because one person is stronger than the others, but our differed capacities.

Anyway, I remembered this one time when I felt so far from Allah and thought only big life tests will bring me closer to Allah. Boy, had I been so wrong. Allah tests us only to our abilities and would I be able to handle such tests other people were facing? Little did we know, blessings are also part of our life tests. Anyway, in some cases, we tend to be jealous of other people when they have something more than us. I mean to put it in context, when we first knew where we are placed, there was  "untungla" here and there going on. Some schools are nearer, their students have excellent behaviour, the staffs are friendly, and all schools have one bit of another. I mean my school is further from anyone else, the students are not so well-behaved, and so far the staffs are so-so; some are friendly, some are not. Well, after one week and hearing each other stories, I realise how fortunate I am.

I think it is gonna be a long post and I am already sleepy.

Anyway, on my first day of school (I've talked a bit about it in my previous post), to be absolutely honest, I am so terrified I even had bugs in my stomach. But, I had to keep motivating myself that everything is always going to be alright. It took me about 1hour and a half to reach the school and when I was at the front gate, I couldn't move my feet into the school. I stopped right here, right there in that instance. My colleague ushered me in and I had to wait for my mentor to arrive. I couldn't sit still and then my mentor came and brought us into her office to discuss paperwork and specifications. She is so nice and comforting, alhamdulillah. I noticed that there are a lot of experienced teachers in the school; translating to having a mother and father bond instead of brothers and sisters as in my previous school. Anyhoo, my mentor assigned me to five teachers and I had no free time at all. As I have no laptops to work on, I absolutely think it is better to have a jam-packed schedule.

In my first lesson (A), I came in 5 minutes early and the teacher asked me to stand at the door to greet every student and remind them to take one sheet of questions per person. As nervous as I was, I still managed to carve a smile and immediately went: "Good morning! Please take one of these. Thank you." as every student came into the classroom. Well, the good thing is someone smiled back, out of 15 people and the bad thing is someone said,: "Morning. I know." Then, as soon as everyone settled in, the teacher introduced me as Miss Rosly and asked me to helped around. Boy, was everyone so quiet and I was so afraid to help them out, so I just circulated around the classroom. After 15mins, one of the students put up her hand and called me to mark her work. I was elated I didn't even know what to say. Few minutes after that, that student asked her teacher if I can sit with her to help, and the teacher immediately granted permission. She asked me to sit on her chair and she took out another chair to sit on. So sweet I am gonna cry! So, yeah I was helping her and then at one point, one boy sitting next to me asked me for help,: "Miss, can you check my work?" He did some mistakes and I helped him out a bit. He got it in one go, so I said,: "Wow, you're a smart boy! I only have to tell you once." He smiled and thanked me. As I was helping the girl on one of the difficult questions, she shockingly went,: "Maths is so hard, I'm gonna cry." Well, I tell her Maths is not hard and not easy and asked her to not cry for it will ruin her makeup but she stormed out of the classroom and cry. She came back 10mins after and asked me,:"Miss, do you think the students in England are stupid comparing to Malaysian students?" I was caught off guard and my brain froze for a moment. But then I told her that;
"Don't you think that we are quite the same? I mean I have never thought that people are stupid. People are smart in some ways or another. Well, if you say stupidity means not understanding, I have to say I was stupid or still am stupid. I had once failed my maths test, but then now I am teaching maths. It is not the question of who is smarter or not, it is actually are you willing to understand or not. We can work on our understanding, isn't it? But, I think you are smart. I believe in you."
Then, the boy beside me said, "Do you really think we are smart?" Yes, I do kiddos!
Anyway, as soon as the lesson ended (1 and a half hour), I had got two thank yous.

Onto the next lesson (B), the teacher introduced me yadayada and I can help around. One of the boys immediately put his hand up and he said that it was too hard for him. I asked him why is it hard, he said well I don't know. Then, I explained and he said that,: "Wow Miss, the way you explained it was so simple." Then, I got another hand up and one boy looking at me like he was gonna eat me. I was so scared that he didn't like me in the class. So, I went up to him and asked him if he needs any help. He then looked so surprised that I came to him and he smiled, he said no thank you. Well, at least he doesn't hate me. 1 and a half hour went away so quickly when you are having fun, innit? At the end of the lesson, the boy that asked for my helped thanked me and wished me a good day.

Then, my next lesson (C) was quite terrifying as well. All of them didn't smile back when I smiled at them. The teacher asked me to introduced myself and I have to say that introducing myself kinda gimme some authorities and I walked confidently around the classroom. All of the sudden, one girl asked for me helped and after helping her, she told her teacher: "Sir, Miss teaches better than you." Well, I didn't get to see the teacher's reaction as I was walking to the back of the class but anyway, at least it boosted my confidence. Then, another girl called me and I thought she was asking me to help her in Maths but she just wanted to converse with me.

"Miss, do you love Maths."
"Well, I actually don't."
"Why do you want to be a teacher? Don't be a teacher, Miss. Students are rude."
"Are you one of them?"
"No, no I'm nice."
"Well, that is good enough for me."

Then, she smiled and get her book out to answer the questions. The teacher then collected their homework and asked me to mark them at that moment. As I gave back their homework, one of them came to me and asked me on what to improve. My gosh, the amount of belief they were showing me made me so teary. I just met them and they appreaciated me so much. I was so tired as my day ended by my oh my did I felt super happy? I dooooo I was so happy.

Day 8

I felt so tired and I didn't want to get up but then I know my students were waiting for me ececece.
Anyway, that day, I still had to go to the same classes I had been on the previous day. My day started with Class C and I got one more student that kept on calling me. At one point, she said,"Miss, I need you. Can you come help me after you finished, please?" And remember the girl that advised me? Yeah, she did her work and there was one problem-solving question that can be answered by using algebra. She called me to check her work which is correct but there was no steps and methods whatsoever, so I asked her how did she do that? She told me that she squeezed her brain really tight. Well, there is no way she had copied her friends as she was the only one doing that question at the moment. I told her that she is very smart and she genuinely thanked me.

And I also got a "Hi Miss, how are you?" on the corridor. My friends said that they need at least a month to get a "hi" along the corridor. I don't know, that littlest thing made me so happy and yeah I am done talking actually.

I was so grateful to my students simplest acts. They really did make my days and alhamdulillah as I was keeping myself so positive, I always forced myself to smile at everybody and I think that had got to be the x-factor of why they are so positive with me.

Well, the day went on so hectic and still not a thing deserve a complaint. I was so grateful that I was so positive at least at the beginning of the week.

Day 9/Day 10

I couldn't lie I was so exhausted and didn't want to go to school. Anyway, on these days I was in whole lot different classes than on Monday and Tuesday. The students are a lot more mature and quiet and didn't want help at all. So yeah, it was so boring and tiring and time passed slowly. But then, as I was quietly standing at the back of the class, I tried to smile at everyone and alhamdulillah two students smiled back. So, basically Wednesday and Thursday are boring days but I was so impressed by how the teachers teach. Their pedagogical knowledge is on the top of the world. I was so grateful so be given the privilege to observe them. And of course, Thursday is the last day of school and I couldn't be happier!

Day 11

Well, it's today. And I was back at uni to meet our tutor and of course catch up sessions, girls! As I was saying before, listening to everyone's story is so worth it. Looking back at my first week at uni during school placement, I was so tired but today was completely different. Well, I wasn't energetic and wasn't tired either. It was OK. And tomorrow is the weekend! Anyway, I had the chance to call home in the morning and I was so grateful that everyone back home is healthy and fine and those struggling with health are on their way to recovery.

Anyway, I hope you'll have a nice and blessed weekend! See you soon :)

Survived day 1 (Gratitude log: Day 7)

Assalamualaikum :)

Alhamdulillah, as what my previous post had already tell you ------ today marked my first day of placement. This time around, the journey is quite far comparing to the previous one, so yeah I have to get up and leave early. Alhamdulillah, it is not a major problem for me because I love getting up early in the morning and it is so nice to have something to force you to not sleep in the morning, so grateful for that actually. But yeah, today I decided to wear my heels and gosh did I hurt my feet so bad -- not gonna wear it again for the time being. So, alhamdulillah for experiencing the agony on the first day, when it is not that busy and I didn't move around too much. And my schedule is jam packed with no rest at all except for the coffee and lunch breaks and the school ended at 4 pm. Which is so much to complain but looking at the bright side of it, it is better to stay in class rather than staying in the office. Well, speaking from my experience, I didn't do quite well when I have free time, I mean I will get so stressed out when I have so much free time in school.

To be honest, I am quite terrified with the students but alhamdulillah my first two lessons in the school prove me wrong. I felt so appreciated and loved. I don't know maybe because I wasn't expecting anything at all. I felt quite OK at the school, I didn't feel burdened at all which is a good thing. Oh and one more thing, there is a prayer room in the school whereas my last placement hasn't got any.

Anyway, there are so many things worth complaining but it is actually up to you to see the glass half empty or half full. I am so blessed to always have positive people around me.

Hope you have a good day as well :)

New place new environment new hope


I am kick starting my placement at a new school tomorrow (20 Feb 2017). Phewhh I am so nervous to deal with people so much so I was shutting my brain the whole entire day. Truth is, I hate meeting people and to meet people with reportedly poor behaviour is no amusement at all, and to handle them some more (Lord! Gimme strength). But I know I shouldn't be so judgemental --  well I haven't met them and I can't let my expectations spoil me like last time.

So I am clearing my mind from expectations and everything and setting my mind to accept gladly everything that is thrown at me (pray for me). So, at this moment, I have nothing but happy thought and faith that this new placement will change me tremendously, well in a good way inshaAllah. In fact, I don't have anything to complaint, well I don't have to go alone and it is a sixth form college which means I don't have to deal with kids. As much as I love kids, showing your attention and love to 30 of them at the same time is hard. So, maybe I will have to revise my family planning -- how much kids I can handle :p Anyway, back on track, my workload may not be as heavy as before. Teaching sixth formers doesn't need me to be much of a performer/mother/comedian/friend like teaching kids. I am so nervous, still.

Anyhoo, I can't wait to go to school tomorrow. Gonna be a true Londoner as my school is in Zone 2, so can't wait for that too. Please pray for me and may all of you be eased as well :)

Because I love her too

Because I love her too,
As you seem so blue,
And I know you love her true,
But Allah's love for her is not few,
Only the strong will be tested and outdo,
She's a fighter and will break through,
Not once did she even withdrew,
From her war and everything equals too,
I barely known her but I love her too.

Gratitude log: Day 6


Alhamdulillah for

1) Being able to do my laundry and the dryer workssss!
2) Making someone happy
3) Getting the chance to eat pizza
4) Having the opportunity to know how meaningful a person to me.

Toodles :')

Gratitude log: Day 3, 4 and 5.

Assalamualaikum :)

There has been a slight delay in this whole "Gratitude log" but fret not, I am still on track alhamdulillah. It just that I haven't got any chance to blog because I didn't bring my 7kg laptop to travel with me. So, I'm going to pile 3days of gratitude in this one post. And maybe when I feel like it, I'll blog my trip as well :)

Without further adieu~~~~~

Day 3,4 and 5

Alhamdulillah for

01) Not missing the train and flight
02) Not freezing
03) The most awesome trip buddies
04) Safely landed
05) The best host and accomm
07) Cheap taxi ride
08) Candle light dinner at Radisson Blu Hotel
09) The all-smiling Norweign
10) The awesome photos
11) The snow
12) KFC

Time to catch some zzzzz!

Day 2: Gratitude log


Alhamdulillah I'm still hanging there!
So, things I'm thankful for today are

1) My family
2) Good food
3) Good companies
4) Still en route to travel to Norway
5) Making my friends happy
6) Cooking
7) Making my babiest brother laugh
8) Submitting my essay!

Pray for our safety!
Bye, see you soon :)

Day 1: Gratitude log


Well alhamdulillah I am so grateful that I am still thinking to do this challenge :)
Anyway, being grateful is not as simple you thought, just because every blessing is already taken for granted nauzubillah. So, this challenge is gonna stretch my mind into thinking about being thankful, thus becoming my second nature. Ameen.

My gratitude log goes --

1) Getting up from the bed
2) Brushing my teeth on my own
3) Waking up in peace and early
4) To not panic (haven't finished my essay - 3% of it)
5) Able to take bath - there's water
6) Realising that there's still time to do anything ( i mean its not the end of the world)
7) And it's half term breakkkk!

Alhamdulillah. Well, it is only 830 a.m -- there are already 7 and of course we will never count it right as Allah says in the Quran. Anyway, I still have a long day ahead. I am so afraid omg.

See you soon :)

Embarking on happiness


I am currently taking a break from writing my essay and I don't want my momentum to stop, hence this post.

Anyway, there was a test hosted by Buzzfeed on 'What do you fear the most' the other day and I immediately decided to take on the test, well just in case. So, the result is, I quoted

"Scared of never being truly happy."

The elaboration goes -- Your deepest fear is never finding happiness or satisfaction in life. You often find yourself wondering what else is out there in the world and sometimes look around at what you have and worry that there'll be nothing more to add to your life. You find that you can be restless and when you achieve or reach one goal, you're immediately on the move to try to reach the next level. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself time to feel pride in what you've achieved before moving on to something new.

Well, thank you, Buzzfeed for stating the obvious. Although most of part of the statement is true but it is still arguable. I think it is so true that I am so scared of never truly being happy and I think it is because I am not content with anything most of the times, which is like so ungrateful of me. I know Alhamdulillah for all the blessings. I am still so grateful that Allah chooses me to feel sad because I know that even the simplest things can make me happy. I mean receiving a sweet emoticon from my friends, looking at the sunset, making my friends and family laugh, waking up early, and a freshly brewed green tea can make me happy. I guess the problem is that it is so simple that the happiness span does not last. 

[Advertisement] Anyway, I have been reading Trevor Noah's book 'Born A Crime' which is recommendable and I guarantee you, happiness in store! Whenever I read that book, I would always hear his voice in my ears that's how addicted I am hahahahaha errr well because sometimes I listen to him reading his book. [Thank you]

Anyway, I think there are only two ways to be happy; by being content and grateful. 

So, I am going to challenge myself to blog 100 days of gratitude. Wish me luckkkk :)

Well, to be honest


Thank God I've revived my negativities and show 'em who's the boss.

Anyway, let's be honest here....I have never hated my journey, but lately, I've been hating it. I beg your pardon, not lately but since the beginning of my PGCE, which is so unusual to me because I have never hated my life journey, yeah I complained but I've never hated it. I feel terrible thinking that hating this journey might be the cause why I am so miserable each day. I know for a fact that Allah sent us to wherever suits us and I believe in His plan so religiously that the outcome of this journey better is good.

I always think that I'm so childish for not thinking straight ahead and overwhelming myself with not-worth-of-stress problems. It is just something I'm not good at -- ignoring. I don't want to be an ignorant but sometimes I know I have to appropriately ignore things - at the right time and place. Ignorance is bliss, they say -- I guess it's true, not gonna argue.

Anyway, please pray for me and it's actually very easy for me to be motivated pun. I will just google some inspirational quotes and sayings and I'll get motivated asap -- the reason why I installed "Momentum' on Chrome. Allah says that we human are so impatient, I believe that that's me. I'm so impatient with my journey that I wanted to get it done right now. But, 4 months to go and I know I can do this!

Don't read this


[Warning! Not an educational post]

I have been so overwhelmed with essays and IDK I'm super stressed out sometimes I don't know why. Like sometimes I'll be "Chill, girl. Don't worry you gonna be fine," and the next minute I'll freak out and start to cry myself out thinking that I couldn't do anything. Gosh, I don't understand myself. I hate writing so much I mean right now, that I don't even want to write anything, not even my piece of creative writing because I'll be so guilty for writing something else other than essays geddit? But IDK as I went through Pinterest the other day, one way to tackle stress is to write thing downs. So, me gonna try everything I can, hence this ramble-rant.

Anyway, I don't why this raging hormone decide to kick in like a surprise. So, I was thinking to myself, can someone actually handle my random moods and all? I even doubt myself. I am so afraid that people will get tired of me because I can't really fake my mood and be all happy when I'm not. But I always try to overcome this negativities and push them away like I'm the bawse. Most of the times I'll lose the battle but sometimes I have to make sure I'm winning.

But funny thing is, I don't think essays is the cause, maybe some external factors that I've recognized or maybe not  I don't know. I wish to not overthink everything because the one hurting is me. And now I miss Birmingham summer time so much because I can run to one of the parks alone so early in the morning (5 am) and cry myself while watching the sun rise.